Ben vs. Fork

The table was set and dinner was ready. I sat down and poured salt onto my steak. Oh this was a grandiose steak. Straight from the local butcher it had been sitting in red wine the last two days and seasoned with spices, corn on the cob to go with it and of course an ice cold near frozen root beer. I said my prayer and was beyond excited to mow down this food. I reach down for my fork and its not there. I quizzically ponder where it could have gone. I remember putting on there when I set the table.Suddenly I hear a whoosh and I dive off my chair. I regain control and see my fork trying to get itself jammed out of the wall.


"Why are you doing this?" I asked full of curiosity and anxiety.


"Years, years I've put up with this. Mindlessly munching on me. Not cleaning me good enough. I've watched you just tossed away my friends. and why? Because they were old and dirty. Well I'm taking my stand. Prepare TO DIE!"


Dumbfounded I stood their trying extremely hard not to laugh. In retrospect taking him seriously or talking it out, basically anything but laughing would've been a better plan.






Trying to hold back my laughter, "So, your saying, a talking fork. like what, maybe 6 inches long is going to kill me? This oughta be good."


This was by far biggest mistake as I had to compress my body to the floor at the speed of light to avoid recently sharpened prongs in my skull. I sprinted into my kitchen to arm myself. I threw open the cutlery cabinet (its a drawer but cutlery cabinet sounds cooler) and out comes knives spoons and forks. They all rise up like demons from the grave and turn towards me, hatred and vengeance in their eyes.


"Cmon guys, we ca....", I was cut short as a steak knife goes whizzing by my head.


I ran into the basement with pissed of utensils hot on my trail.I sense danger and leap into the air clutching onto the floor above as four more spoons fly underneath. I drop and see the vacuum cleaner and feel the momentum changing in my favor. I grab the shopvac and dodge knives and forks wanting me nothing more than dead as I frantically search for an outlet. I dive for the outlet and VRRROOOOM the shopvac comes to life. Left and right spoons, knives, and forks disappear. Feeling nothing but victorious I begin to go back up into the kitchen.


"Not so fast!" I hear a voice behind me say.  "We have unfinished business."


I spin around and I'm staring face-to-face with the fork master Kyle. I turn again and run upstairs as a searing pain shoots through my right leg.and his prongs break my skin. I fall just as I reach the Kitchen floor. I knew there was only one way to end this. I sprinted to the cabinet and grabbed a lighter, there was only one thing i needed at this point. I dodged another attack by kyle and jumped over the dining room table I was running up the stairs to my bedroom when I suddenly I got pinned to the wall.


"You will not escape with your life", screamed Kyle.


I ignored him and ripped my shirt still tearing up the stairs trying to get to my room and hold of Kyle who wanted nothing more than to spear my skull. Dodge, Dive, Fall, Lunge, I finally make it into my room and slam the door shut. I still had no time to think and reached for my desk where sat a brand new axe bottle. Kyle was struggle to open my door because he didn't have opposable thumbs. I slid open my window and removed the screen. During our struggle I secretly locked all the doors in the house. 


"I will get you!"


The screams from the other side merely made me enjoy the moment more. 


"Goodbye" I said quietly to Kyle. 


I grabbed the lighter and the sprayed the axe creating a flamethrower that lit up everything in sight. Within moments my room was half ablaze. The items I needed I had all in a backpack and I slid out the window. It was about a one story drop but I managed it with no broken bones. By the time I hit the street corner I looked back to see half the home I lived engulfed in flame. Kyle would not escape that.


Days later the police had cleaned up and fire all put out. I went back to pick through the remainders and see if I could salvage anything. I walked away proud I had defeated a worthy opponent


What Ben didn't know was it wasn't over. After he left one item was still in tact. One crippled fork rose from the carnage and looked out, bruised and battered just muttering the same thing again and again "You will die, I will not lose. You will die, I will not lose" Slowly his figure was lost in the sunset as a slight drizzle began to pour.